The Chatterer

In the wild jungle that is the suburbs, the elders are very territorial over their little ones… even George. So when George finds out Sheila has been packing Tessa’s lunch, George realizes that he needs to be more involved. First order of business: Join the PTA. When he gets into it with Sheila at his first meeting, everyone freaks. PTA hasn’t been this interesting since Connie had her psychotic breakdown.

The next day, Dallas hunts down George at the country club. It’s worth mentioning that she’s sporting Jersey shore hair beads and a fringe top that belongs in a costume shop. Anyway, she pleads with George to drop out of the PTA. He’s not having it. So at the next PTA gathering, which unnecessarily involves a stripper pole, George offers the ladies advice on their men problems. Sheila retires to make room for the new PTA therapist.

Mr. Wolfe discovers Tessa’s been skipping class to read in the handicapped stall, so he makes it his mission to find her an elective she will enjoy. So, naturally, Tessa picks the least supervised, least popular elective: working on the school newspaper, The Chatswin Chronicle. She meets Malik, the only black kid in school, who has some actual stop-the-presses news for Tessa – no one reads The Chatswin Chronicle. In the hallway, Tessa learns Dalia has some breaking news of her own, “Hannah has fat knees and it’s weird because the rest of her is thin.” OMG, Dalia, that is just so interesting. Oh, wait, there’s more? “Terry lost his virginity to Stacy from cheer and I know for a fact she has cellulite.”

And just like that, Tessa’s new brainchild was born. The Chatterer will replace the old school newspaper and it will only include stories that trash fellow classmates. Malik and Tessa suddenly rise to the top of the food chain overnight. Everyone wants a copy of The Chatterer to see who wore their outfit best and who has an ugly thong. But when Malik wants to do a front page story on Lisa’s thumb sucking habit, Tessa puts her combat-boot foot down. Friends don’t do that to each other. Despite Tessa’s opposition, Malik wants to run the story anyway. That is until Tessa threatens to expose Malik’s creepy obsession with imitating scenes from the show Medium. Maybe writing stories on school lunch carries more journalistic integrity than photos of young girls’ cellulite anyway. And as quickly as The Chatterer sprung to life, just as quickly it went to the recycle bin.

In George’s new role as the head of the PTA, he becomes more mom than Sheila Shay. He’s ordered rose bouquets for PTA functions and does the dishes in his new mom jeans. Literally, he’s wearing mom jeans he bought at Rhonda’s “Garage-a-palooza”. Tessa makes him uncomfortably aware of his new feminine ways and he finally recognizes that it’s time to return the PTA gavel to Sheila Shay. Thankfully, order returns once again to Chatswin.