Don’t Call Me Shirley

BREAKING NEWS: A burglar is on the loose! That’s right; the Chatswin police can finally stop dunking their fat-free donuts in their dairy-free coffees and start eating up real crime. First on the list is Sheila Shay’s missing doll collection. These aren’t just any dolls, people. We’re talking Shirley Temple collector’s edition dolls here. It’s the biggest shock to the suburbs since… well, since ever.

So when night time rolls around, guess who is feeling most susceptible to the crime-ridden streets? Dallas and Dalia, that’s who. And guess where they seek refuge? George and Tessa’s “claustrophobic and sticky” home, that’s where. While it is kind of creepy that they want to spend the night (aren’t there other neighbors they’ve known longer?), George tries to make them feel welcome. All is going well until Dallas moves George’s undies to make room for her yoga pants. Not cool, Dallas. Not cool. Then she pokes fun at him for his dumpy looking boxers and suggests that he gets real manly boxer briefs like David Beckham. George is livid and humiliated so he storms out of the room. (To be fair, Dallas does have a point. Boxers are very unflattering.)

Tessa and George hear rustling downstairs in the middle of the night. Could it be another break in? There’s only one way to find out. They both equip weapons and sneak downstairs. They find the clamor… it’s Dallas eating a ham and cheese sandwich – er, a “Croque Monsieur” – in the laundry room. She’s an emotional eater. Dallas feels guilty about her fight with George, so they talk things out.

Much to Tessa’s dismay, George and Dallas are flirting again in the morning and talking about future family plans. This tragic conversation leaves Tessa and Dalia with no choice. They devise a little plan of their own to break up George and Dallas’ neighborly love affair. Dalia accuses Tessa of stealing Sheila Shay’s dolls and Tessa pretends to be guilty and confesses. When George hears about the confession, he toys with the idea of moving back to New York because of Tessa’s newfound criminal behavior. Tessa’s ecstatic – her plan worked! Well, not really. It turns out George just wants to see how far she’ll take this confession thing, so he brings her over to Sheila’s to plead guilty. Tessa goes overboard and tells Sheila to her face that she is responsible for taking her precious dolls. That’s when Lisa busts out of left field holding a Shirley doll by the hair. Lisa is the actual doll thief. She wanted to get even with her mom for all the years of neglect.

The Chatswin crime rate may have been sullied, but at least we can consider this case closed.